DAY SEVEN - Beyond Avoidance

reverb11:

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

Several years ago I made a commitment to read 30 new books in that year. I read 33. This year? I may have read 5. Maybe. I haven’t written any new fiction, although I am still working on the sestina project. I let busyness get in the way. I don’t NEED to watch another episode of Breaking Bad. I could read a book. Write a story.

I didn’t go to Salt Lake City to see Anthony Doerr & Marilynne Robinson read. I didn’t go because 1. I didn’t have anyone to go with and have never road tripped alone, and 2. I didn’t have the funds. I’ve heard Tony Doerr read before. I love his guts out. I’m sad to have missed another opportunity, especially in conjunction with Robinson, who I’ve never heard read. Gilead is so beautiful. I would have loved to have heard her words in her voice. Sadness.

I also regret not going because I would have had to go alone. I think that would have been a growth experience for me. I’m not sure I would have felt empowered, necessarily, but I would have added a notch to my belt of capability.

Posted on December 7, 2011 via Embrace13 with 5 notes

DAY SIX - 11 Things

reverb11:

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2012? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1. 35 pounds. I need to get healthy, and feel better in my clothes. I’m not sure what to do about this…we keep talking about working on our fitness, but not following through.

2. Slovenliness. I don’t put my dishes away when I’m done eating. I throw my clothes on the floor when I take them off. When it comes to routine maintenance, I suck. I’d save myself a lot of time (and last minute scrambling) if I put things where they go. Might teach my kids a thing or two also.
3. Illiteracy. That’s not at all the right word. I need to read more…I need to read things I haven’t read before, books that encourage me to grow.
4. Driving everywhere. I live right by nearly everything I do. WHY am I driving to the store? Dumb.

5. Disposables (I need to dispense with disposables. Ha.) The habit of using them. I’ve done alright in some arenas, but I need to get new shopping bags, actually use my produce bags, etc. Practice what I preach.
6. Biting my nails! Because it’s gross. Because I’m so stressed I’ve bitten them past the quick and it hurts. Because I want to paint my damn nails. I actually have the no-bite crud in my closet. I just need to paint it on.
7. Unfettered computer time. This hurts to give up…I spend far too much time wandering the internet. I need to set a schedule with free-surfing time alloted,and stick to it.

8. Holding forth. Once I get pissed I just drone on & on, dredging up extra facts and complaints. I badger. It does no one any good. I need to collect my thoughts, think through my hurt/anger, and express it clearly. The buckshot approach to conflict is not healthy for any of us.

10. My inability to say no. It’s starting to take over my life. I need to set some boundaries.

11. My writing hiatus. I need to write. EVERY. DAY. No excuses. Or I need to give up the fantasy that writing is a goal of mine.

Tagged: reverb11

Posted on December 7, 2011 via Embrace13 with 4 notes

DAY FOUR - Healing

reverb11:

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2012?

I read this Sunday and then mulled it over so long I lost my momentum and fell off the Reverb wagon.

When I was 18 I got pregnant. My parents gave me an small accounting job that I could mostly do from home (living with them) so I could stay home with the baby. I don’t math well. Numbers and sums go into my head and come out looking like linguine. This was a pity job, a charity gig. And I FAILED. I couldn’t figure out how to reconcile the money, so I put it in my closet. Fiddle dee dee, tomorrow yadda yadda. I did this for a couple of weeks. Didn’t make the deposits, just let the money pile up in a bag on the floor. I eventually was found out (my dad went into the closet looking for something), and was promptly given a receiving job to do instead.

This is an extreme example of how I used to be about everything. Paperwork, budgets, etc. I had decided that I was a flake, and the people around me generally agreed. I was not to be trusted with responsibility or detail.

But in the past year or so, I’ve begun to turn that around. Like I mentioned, I’m working mostly within a budget. My loans, certification, paperwork is all in order. I am able to talk calmly and rationally about financial & life decisions. Without crying even.

So much of my problem was my own concept of what I can handle. I had decided certain tasks were too difficult for me, so I just didn’t deal with them. But I’m slowly healing that. I’m not inadequate. Lazy is something I can overcome. I am capable. As my understanding of that concept grows (I am capable.) I am braver, stronger, and more willing to do the right thing, rather than leaving the mess on the floor for someone else to clean up.

Posted on December 6, 2011 via Embrace13 with 11 notes

DAY THREE - Ambitions

reverb11:

What are your ambitions? What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to/detracts from your ambitions? Can you eliminate it?

I don’t really have ambitions. I have wants. Sort of slow burning melancholy desires. I have wistful hankerings. But a motivating passion to achieve something? I don’t do this so well.

I want to publish a book. I want to write a novel and send it to someone with pub cred and have them pay me to publish it. But you can’t call this an ambition because I don’t do much to achieve it. I don’t do anything to achieve it.

I need to get a teaching job for the 2012 school year. I’ve been actively pursuing this, as I mentioned Day One. But I hesitate to call this an ambition because I really don’t want to start teaching until Ava is in kindergarten, in 2015. However, I no longer have the luxury of being a SAHM because my certification will expire if I don’t get a contracted gig teaching English to 6-12th graders this coming year. So the job is a goal…but not one I feel passionate about.

I love the hell out of drama club, but that’s a current activity, and not something I’m worried about planning for or taking to another level.

I think my problem is, I’m too content to take what comes and run with it. I’m not looking ahead, making choices I’m enthused about, and striving to achieve them. I’m being passive.

If this writing thing is more than a romanticized day dream, I need to backcast that mama effer and own it. If I can’t find a passion and drive to chase it, I need to let it go and look elsewhere for fulfillment & identity.

Posted on December 3, 2011 via Embrace13 with 12 notes